Happy Birthday

To my boys...

Today, you are one year old.

This time, last year, mommy and daddy were so ready to meet you both. Someday, I will reenact for you your daddy's excitement as we were trying to get in the car to go to the hospital. I hold on to that memory, I have never seen him more off his game. He knew he was about to meet his sons and his life would change forever.

As the doctor lifted you out of my tummy, you each let out an instant and distinctly different cry. Alex, you sounded just a bit annoyed that someone was disrupting your marination. Evan, you were mad...the lights, the sounds, the cold...you were mad. But, as they brought you around, I could just see the little bud of your faces, all wrapped up, pouty and the two most beautiful things I have ever laid my eyes on. I will never, ever forget those moments. In an instant, our lives were forever bound in unconditional love. Instant Transformation. Thank God.

You boys should have seen your daddy. He fell in love with you two and he fell hard. He couldn't stop looking at you, holding you, talking about you and he did not stop smiling for an instant. He wanted to do everything for you. I think, up until you were born, he had no idea how deep love could go.

We have spent the past 12 months getting to know each other. Daddy and I fall in love with you a little more every day and its all flown by. So much has changed yet when I look into your little eyes, I still see my newborns. All pink and sweet, new and needy. But, now, I get to squeeze and snuggle you. I put my hands out to you and you reach for me. When a stranger says hello, you burry your little faces into my neck and squeeze. You laugh when we laugh. You chase each other and giggle until you fall over. You fall and search the room for me, waiting to mirror my reaction. You reach for the electrical outlet and look back at me, waiting for the guidance you know will come. You light up when you see your daddy walk in. You hear his voice and waddle away searching for its source. You are the example of God's love in our lives. You are us.

There are so many people who pray for you both. Daddy and I accepted a huge responsibility the day you were born and we don't take it lightly. Our job is to keep you safe, make you happy, and teach you love. We want you to be strong, respectful, loving, humble, honest and confident. Luckily for us all, we have an amazing extended family. They are having just as much fun as we are, watching you grow.

My dear sweet boys, I want you to always know how much your lives have changed mine. My longing for you started when I married your daddy and my love for you began the day I found out you were growing in my belly. It increased 10 fold the day I met you on the outside and it grows stronger every day, still. There is not a moment of my day that I would rather be somewhere else.

My favorite parts about you are all wrapped up in your littlest details.

Alex, your whole face smiles when you are happy. Your constant chatter and the sweet little purr as you taste something you love. You love to drum on everything with your hands. You have no fear when it comes to trying new things. I love watching you take new things in. When you see something soft in your reach, you attack it and ferociously snuggle it. You look so much like me.

Evan, your facial expressions are always making daddy and I laugh. Your little brow furrows and your lips pout in a look of concentration when you are discovering something new. You are always checking back in with me while you cautiously check out a new environment. You never sit still for a minute. You have yet to learn to walk, you just started out running. You look just like your daddy.

There are going to be times when you both test us. Our love for you is never conditional on your actions. You get our love because God entrusted you to us. You do not have to work for it or achieve anything to keep it. We will teach you things, take you places and stretch you as best we can. As hard as it will be, our job is to get you on the launching pad. Our job is to give you an arsenal that will allow you to break out onto your own. (I am just kidding, don't ever leave us, stay little and cuddly forever...)

I know today is not as significant to you as it is to us but maybe someday, you will understand what the 1st birthday means. We have broken out of our "new parent" shell and are happy to say we survived newborns and are ready to take our next step. You have been the light of our past year. I never knew a love this fierce before I knew either of you. I feel as though I have known you all my life. You will forever be my baby boys.

Happy Birthday Alexander Ryen and Evan Carlson. We love you!